now

oh to think a thousand thoughts, not one of doubt and fear

go boldly now and dreams those dreams, my voice my child you'll hear.

decisions

i thought the unveiling of all past pain and hurt would leave me crushed

how wrong i was

not only was i crushed

i have been slammed pressed stomped left slapped cut pounded ignored taken used dropped beaten covered hidden kicked punched ripped..... i guess my point has been made

i've nothing left to fear

which is the point i guess

praying for a path to be revealed i have found quite the opposite

standing with my hands by my side looking left then right then forward

nothing in sight

no choice to make

the paths have all been covered

i see no direction

which way do i go

do i clear each of the paths and then decide

do i choose one and clear it hoping it was the correct choice

i have waited in pain and agony trying to decide what to do

today i was broken in pain

people have chosen situations i am unable to support or defend

hurt crept in from today and yesterday and many years ago

where did all this come from

why today

i don't need this i'm trying to make decisions

i have a path to clear...................

i thought i had a path to clear

it was made clear to me today

a single path is before me

it was cleared a long time ago

i am the one entangled in a mess

it was myself that needed to be cleared

gone

i did it

i took it all and gave it away

i didn't sell it

i let go of it all

the weight of it all was overwhelming

i am slowly becoming free

restore

i have been unable to write with clever wit or rhyme.

this is a season of restoration for me.

i am being built into a home, a shelter from the storm.

white owl

i have been unable to write or process anything lately. the overwhelming pain i have felt has been too deep to uncover anything worth writing. exposed pain is quite ugly. and freeing.

i have uncovered truths over the past several months that have shocked me. i guess i should correct myself and say... truths were uncovered for me.

i have believed a lie. it has tormented me to the point of insanity. i have served unconditionally. but i have served man. not my creator. what was i thinking.

it all is a bit too raw to reveal it all here. i can't process it all. i can't possibly feel it all at one time. i will simply lose all feeling. being numb seems not so bad.

not sure what to do next but this music is helping. thank you mr. garrels. white owl.

enough.

overwhelmed and sad.

now

turn your face the other way so i can't read the lies on your lips.

speak in a whisper so my head won't carry the weight of fake ideas.

i need truth that is backed up with the reality of life and words that leap from the page.

i know the weight of peace cannot be measured but fills my heart like a ton of bricks.